For Zoe

ten things about me:

1.I absolutely hate describing myself in any way, not because I don't enjoy talking about myself, I just hate defining myself as any one thing -or ten things for that matter. I'd much rather say, oh, I'm boring, have no interests, etc., than forever be known by whatever I might have thought to say right at that moment, because the next moment I may feel like something else entirely...

2.I like to immerse myself completely into whatever fancy I have at the moment... being a parent pulls me out of that, it's been a constant struggle for me learning how to invest myself in something knowing I can't invest myself completely and may have to set it aside before I'm finished. I'm not one of those, a little bit here, a little bit there and eventually the job gets done sort of people... I keep thinking someday I will be able to get to that (whatever that is) when I have more time.

3. I feel extremely disenchanted by my education. It was always my dream to be completely self-sufficient... I wanted to build my own house, grow my own food, maintain my own vehicle, sew my own clothes, etc. I kept waiting in school until I would actually be able to put my hands into something... all these facts, formulas and figures, advanced placement courses, gifted and talented programs... I thought were laying the groundwork for me to be master of everything, instead I eventually felt very much locked into a path of abstraction, that while fun (because I love all those abstract puzzles... my heart still gets racing with excitement and glee when I think back to my college days sitting in thermo or engineering dynamics or differential equations thinking more, more, more! and I hope we get homework!) just didn't feel very productive or meaningful.

4. I have absolutely no patience. I think I go a little bit crazy every time I have to wait, especially when I have to wait in line, especially in a line that isn't moving. In my head while I'm waiting, I think things like, "oh my, I'm going crazy, crazy, crazy, oh no, I'm never getting out of here, aaaaahhh, help me, I have to get out of here, when will this end, why! why! must I wait here! somebody transport me through time and space..." and then I start singing and dancing in my head, and then I wonder how people would react if I actually did start singing and dancing, and then it takes all my will power to keep myself from actually singing and dancing so I start thinking about things like what would the person in front of me do if I just started gently poking them every time they weren't looking -would they say anything? would they give me a dirty look? would they just try to ignore me and then thank their lucky stars when they got away from me (and tell the tale of the crazy poking lady in line to their grandkids... actually that's how most of these chains of thoughts end up, with somebody telling their grandkids about the crazy thing I did -which reminds me I can't forget to tell my grandkids about the time my best friend and I were standing in line and this guy tapped her on the shoulder and started waving his hands around going, "boogadda boogadda!"... he was checking to see if her "I'm easily amused" button that she was wearing was actually true (it was) and , btw, it's that situation that keeps me from wearing my "I'm the perfect wife" button that my dh got me for our anniversary one year out in public) and then I also -well, I could go on and on endlessly here, basically it always involves me laughing and being really glad I am not uninhibited because I would certainly be a complete embarassment to my family if I behaved in any way like my impatient waiting imagination (okay there was this brief period where I did do those things while I was a teen, but you know teens can get away with being goofy... or so I told myself). I hope that when/if I'm old and senile, my family will forgive me for what I might do when I'm forced to wait for anything.

5. If I could dress anyway I wish I would wear high heels, boots or dress shoes as long as they were foot shaped (I mean as opposed to those way out there pointy shoes or the squared off shoes -what is up with that anyway?), funky nylons or stockings with a garter (I hate that hangy crotch part as well as the always too high and squishy/scratchy top) -rainbow stripes, dancing turtles, psychedelic daisies, famous quotes, I don't care as long as it was interesting, colorful, schnazzy, or just plain pretty, short skirt or short pants either black or patterned (plaid, houndstooth, checkered... anything but polka dotted), fancy blouse either in a very vivid intense color or also patterned (again, anything but polka), a nice coat in black (trench, conductor's, zoot suit, bolero... something with style), textured gloves (lacy, satiny, scrunchy...), and a felt hat.

6.Back to the disillusioned educated self... at some point when it really hit me that this all wasn't going in the direction I wanted and I had NO idea what direction I wanted to be going I found myself actually praying to god, I have no idea what to do, show me the way, take the choice out of my hands... and, lo and behold, he did!!! Because it was on that day a life (or zoe in greek) began... and so I found myself exactly 274 days later shouting with every cell in my body, thank you, thank you, thank you! holding my baby girl in my arms before me, knowing unimaginable joy I would never have allowed myself if I hadn't just let go and put it all in god's hands -how I got to be so blessed I will never know, but I have never felt gratitude so intensely and so immensely as in that moment.

And can you believe I got to do this again, and again, and again?

7. That Chasing Cars song really creeps me out... because it just fits, so perfectly, even the video, the feel of the song, the rhythm, the words... it makes me feel so melancholic. I used to hit all those vista points with my friends and just lay down in the parking lot and stare at the sky and hear the cars go racing by and I just wanted to lay there forever and just *BE*. For me those moments felt so real, so much more real than my pacing through life, the conversations, the games, the movies I watched and books I read, and people I talked to, and jobs I did... and then outside of that was the cold air rushing over me, the stars above me, the sensation of letting go of my thoughts and my body... the only other time in my life I felt quite like that was the first time I had a long talk with my dh, standing outside and I have no idea what I was saying or what he was saying but I had that sensation of stepping outside myself and everything beyond us in that moment being an illusion.... and then there was the time I found myself lying on the beach staring at the stars hearing the sound of the waves and having that feeling again and I turned and look and saw myself in my dh's eyes and we kissed (and this all sounds so terribly romantic and sappy and I blame that song even though it didn't exist then but it takes me back to that because that song is so absolutely describing that moment for me)

8.It really bothers me when people get angry with each other over their own personal interpretations of etiquette... I mean what's the point of etiquette if not to help us get along better? I really don't think common courtesy was meant to give us more opportunity to judge each other harshly. On the other hand I really hate when people ask me how I'm doing, as a common courtesy, and not because they really care. I used to give very long involved detailed accounts whenever someone asked sometimes with tears, just because I'm annoying and obnoxious like that, and maybe slightly evil, but now I'm just too lazy and have jumped aboard the 'fine, thanks, and how are you?' bandwagon.

9. My nickname amongst my teenage group of friends was "Happy" which was terribly ironic because I was absolutely painfully miserable ALL the time, but that never stopped me from enjoying life and so I seemed to be from everyone else's perspective the happy one... my best friend was "Grumpy", btw.

10. I have the greatest admiration for folks who manage to express themselves succinctly.