Friday, December 14, 2007
Hurray, it's Friday!
Unfortunately, as always seems to happen to me, a tooth started really, really bothering me after 5pm last night, just after my dentist closes up shop for the weekend... if I'm going to have a toothache why can't it be on Monday morning? And why is it that toothaches make me so grouchy? I've often had nightmares about losing my teeth, having them just crumble away, and heard this is one of the most common dreams, with all kinds of interpretations, but quite frankly, I think I just have those dreams because I'm afraid of losing my teeth!
Thursday, December 13, 2007
For Zoe
ten things about me:
1.I absolutely hate describing myself in any way, not because I don't enjoy talking about myself, I just hate defining myself as any one thing -or ten things for that matter. I'd much rather say, oh, I'm boring, have no interests, etc., than forever be known by whatever I might have thought to say right at that moment, because the next moment I may feel like something else entirely...
2.I like to immerse myself completely into whatever fancy I have at the moment... being a parent pulls me out of that, it's been a constant struggle for me learning how to invest myself in something knowing I can't invest myself completely and may have to set it aside before I'm finished. I'm not one of those, a little bit here, a little bit there and eventually the job gets done sort of people... I keep thinking someday I will be able to get to that (whatever that is) when I have more time.
3. I feel extremely disenchanted by my education. It was always my dream to be completely self-sufficient... I wanted to build my own house, grow my own food, maintain my own vehicle, sew my own clothes, etc. I kept waiting in school until I would actually be able to put my hands into something... all these facts, formulas and figures, advanced placement courses, gifted and talented programs... I thought were laying the groundwork for me to be master of everything, instead I eventually felt very much locked into a path of abstraction, that while fun (because I love all those abstract puzzles... my heart still gets racing with excitement and glee when I think back to my college days sitting in thermo or engineering dynamics or differential equations thinking more, more, more! and I hope we get homework!) just didn't feel very productive or meaningful.
4. I have absolutely no patience. I think I go a little bit crazy every time I have to wait, especially when I have to wait in line, especially in a line that isn't moving. In my head while I'm waiting, I think things like, "oh my, I'm going crazy, crazy, crazy, oh no, I'm never getting out of here, aaaaahhh, help me, I have to get out of here, when will this end, why! why! must I wait here! somebody transport me through time and space..." and then I start singing and dancing in my head, and then I wonder how people would react if I actually did start singing and dancing, and then it takes all my will power to keep myself from actually singing and dancing so I start thinking about things like what would the person in front of me do if I just started gently poking them every time they weren't looking -would they say anything? would they give me a dirty look? would they just try to ignore me and then thank their lucky stars when they got away from me (and tell the tale of the crazy poking lady in line to their grandkids... actually that's how most of these chains of thoughts end up, with somebody telling their grandkids about the crazy thing I did -which reminds me I can't forget to tell my grandkids about the time my best friend and I were standing in line and this guy tapped her on the shoulder and started waving his hands around going, "boogadda boogadda!"... he was checking to see if her "I'm easily amused" button that she was wearing was actually true (it was) and , btw, it's that situation that keeps me from wearing my "I'm the perfect wife" button that my dh got me for our anniversary one year out in public) and then I also -well, I could go on and on endlessly here, basically it always involves me laughing and being really glad I am not uninhibited because I would certainly be a complete embarassment to my family if I behaved in any way like my impatient waiting imagination (okay there was this brief period where I did do those things while I was a teen, but you know teens can get away with being goofy... or so I told myself). I hope that when/if I'm old and senile, my family will forgive me for what I might do when I'm forced to wait for anything.
5. If I could dress anyway I wish I would wear high heels, boots or dress shoes as long as they were foot shaped (I mean as opposed to those way out there pointy shoes or the squared off shoes -what is up with that anyway?), funky nylons or stockings with a garter (I hate that hangy crotch part as well as the always too high and squishy/scratchy top) -rainbow stripes, dancing turtles, psychedelic daisies, famous quotes, I don't care as long as it was interesting, colorful, schnazzy, or just plain pretty, short skirt or short pants either black or patterned (plaid, houndstooth, checkered... anything but polka dotted), fancy blouse either in a very vivid intense color or also patterned (again, anything but polka), a nice coat in black (trench, conductor's, zoot suit, bolero... something with style), textured gloves (lacy, satiny, scrunchy...), and a felt hat.
6.Back to the disillusioned educated self... at some point when it really hit me that this all wasn't going in the direction I wanted and I had NO idea what direction I wanted to be going I found myself actually praying to god, I have no idea what to do, show me the way, take the choice out of my hands... and, lo and behold, he did!!! Because it was on that day a life (or zoe in greek) began... and so I found myself exactly 274 days later shouting with every cell in my body, thank you, thank you, thank you! holding my baby girl in my arms before me, knowing unimaginable joy I would never have allowed myself if I hadn't just let go and put it all in god's hands -how I got to be so blessed I will never know, but I have never felt gratitude so intensely and so immensely as in that moment.
And can you believe I got to do this again, and again, and again?
7. That Chasing Cars song really creeps me out... because it just fits, so perfectly, even the video, the feel of the song, the rhythm, the words... it makes me feel so melancholic. I used to hit all those vista points with my friends and just lay down in the parking lot and stare at the sky and hear the cars go racing by and I just wanted to lay there forever and just *BE*. For me those moments felt so real, so much more real than my pacing through life, the conversations, the games, the movies I watched and books I read, and people I talked to, and jobs I did... and then outside of that was the cold air rushing over me, the stars above me, the sensation of letting go of my thoughts and my body... the only other time in my life I felt quite like that was the first time I had a long talk with my dh, standing outside and I have no idea what I was saying or what he was saying but I had that sensation of stepping outside myself and everything beyond us in that moment being an illusion.... and then there was the time I found myself lying on the beach staring at the stars hearing the sound of the waves and having that feeling again and I turned and look and saw myself in my dh's eyes and we kissed (and this all sounds so terribly romantic and sappy and I blame that song even though it didn't exist then but it takes me back to that because that song is so absolutely describing that moment for me)
8.It really bothers me when people get angry with each other over their own personal interpretations of etiquette... I mean what's the point of etiquette if not to help us get along better? I really don't think common courtesy was meant to give us more opportunity to judge each other harshly. On the other hand I really hate when people ask me how I'm doing, as a common courtesy, and not because they really care. I used to give very long involved detailed accounts whenever someone asked sometimes with tears, just because I'm annoying and obnoxious like that, and maybe slightly evil, but now I'm just too lazy and have jumped aboard the 'fine, thanks, and how are you?' bandwagon.
1.I absolutely hate describing myself in any way, not because I don't enjoy talking about myself, I just hate defining myself as any one thing -or ten things for that matter. I'd much rather say, oh, I'm boring, have no interests, etc., than forever be known by whatever I might have thought to say right at that moment, because the next moment I may feel like something else entirely...
2.I like to immerse myself completely into whatever fancy I have at the moment... being a parent pulls me out of that, it's been a constant struggle for me learning how to invest myself in something knowing I can't invest myself completely and may have to set it aside before I'm finished. I'm not one of those, a little bit here, a little bit there and eventually the job gets done sort of people... I keep thinking someday I will be able to get to that (whatever that is) when I have more time.
3. I feel extremely disenchanted by my education. It was always my dream to be completely self-sufficient... I wanted to build my own house, grow my own food, maintain my own vehicle, sew my own clothes, etc. I kept waiting in school until I would actually be able to put my hands into something... all these facts, formulas and figures, advanced placement courses, gifted and talented programs... I thought were laying the groundwork for me to be master of everything, instead I eventually felt very much locked into a path of abstraction, that while fun (because I love all those abstract puzzles... my heart still gets racing with excitement and glee when I think back to my college days sitting in thermo or engineering dynamics or differential equations thinking more, more, more! and I hope we get homework!) just didn't feel very productive or meaningful.
4. I have absolutely no patience. I think I go a little bit crazy every time I have to wait, especially when I have to wait in line, especially in a line that isn't moving. In my head while I'm waiting, I think things like, "oh my, I'm going crazy, crazy, crazy, oh no, I'm never getting out of here, aaaaahhh, help me, I have to get out of here, when will this end, why! why! must I wait here! somebody transport me through time and space..." and then I start singing and dancing in my head, and then I wonder how people would react if I actually did start singing and dancing, and then it takes all my will power to keep myself from actually singing and dancing so I start thinking about things like what would the person in front of me do if I just started gently poking them every time they weren't looking -would they say anything? would they give me a dirty look? would they just try to ignore me and then thank their lucky stars when they got away from me (and tell the tale of the crazy poking lady in line to their grandkids... actually that's how most of these chains of thoughts end up, with somebody telling their grandkids about the crazy thing I did -which reminds me I can't forget to tell my grandkids about the time my best friend and I were standing in line and this guy tapped her on the shoulder and started waving his hands around going, "boogadda boogadda!"... he was checking to see if her "I'm easily amused" button that she was wearing was actually true (it was) and , btw, it's that situation that keeps me from wearing my "I'm the perfect wife" button that my dh got me for our anniversary one year out in public) and then I also -well, I could go on and on endlessly here, basically it always involves me laughing and being really glad I am not uninhibited because I would certainly be a complete embarassment to my family if I behaved in any way like my impatient waiting imagination (okay there was this brief period where I did do those things while I was a teen, but you know teens can get away with being goofy... or so I told myself). I hope that when/if I'm old and senile, my family will forgive me for what I might do when I'm forced to wait for anything.
5. If I could dress anyway I wish I would wear high heels, boots or dress shoes as long as they were foot shaped (I mean as opposed to those way out there pointy shoes or the squared off shoes -what is up with that anyway?), funky nylons or stockings with a garter (I hate that hangy crotch part as well as the always too high and squishy/scratchy top) -rainbow stripes, dancing turtles, psychedelic daisies, famous quotes, I don't care as long as it was interesting, colorful, schnazzy, or just plain pretty, short skirt or short pants either black or patterned (plaid, houndstooth, checkered... anything but polka dotted), fancy blouse either in a very vivid intense color or also patterned (again, anything but polka), a nice coat in black (trench, conductor's, zoot suit, bolero... something with style), textured gloves (lacy, satiny, scrunchy...), and a felt hat.
6.Back to the disillusioned educated self... at some point when it really hit me that this all wasn't going in the direction I wanted and I had NO idea what direction I wanted to be going I found myself actually praying to god, I have no idea what to do, show me the way, take the choice out of my hands... and, lo and behold, he did!!! Because it was on that day a life (or zoe in greek) began... and so I found myself exactly 274 days later shouting with every cell in my body, thank you, thank you, thank you! holding my baby girl in my arms before me, knowing unimaginable joy I would never have allowed myself if I hadn't just let go and put it all in god's hands -how I got to be so blessed I will never know, but I have never felt gratitude so intensely and so immensely as in that moment.
And can you believe I got to do this again, and again, and again?
7. That Chasing Cars song really creeps me out... because it just fits, so perfectly, even the video, the feel of the song, the rhythm, the words... it makes me feel so melancholic. I used to hit all those vista points with my friends and just lay down in the parking lot and stare at the sky and hear the cars go racing by and I just wanted to lay there forever and just *BE*. For me those moments felt so real, so much more real than my pacing through life, the conversations, the games, the movies I watched and books I read, and people I talked to, and jobs I did... and then outside of that was the cold air rushing over me, the stars above me, the sensation of letting go of my thoughts and my body... the only other time in my life I felt quite like that was the first time I had a long talk with my dh, standing outside and I have no idea what I was saying or what he was saying but I had that sensation of stepping outside myself and everything beyond us in that moment being an illusion.... and then there was the time I found myself lying on the beach staring at the stars hearing the sound of the waves and having that feeling again and I turned and look and saw myself in my dh's eyes and we kissed (and this all sounds so terribly romantic and sappy and I blame that song even though it didn't exist then but it takes me back to that because that song is so absolutely describing that moment for me)
8.It really bothers me when people get angry with each other over their own personal interpretations of etiquette... I mean what's the point of etiquette if not to help us get along better? I really don't think common courtesy was meant to give us more opportunity to judge each other harshly. On the other hand I really hate when people ask me how I'm doing, as a common courtesy, and not because they really care. I used to give very long involved detailed accounts whenever someone asked sometimes with tears, just because I'm annoying and obnoxious like that, and maybe slightly evil, but now I'm just too lazy and have jumped aboard the 'fine, thanks, and how are you?' bandwagon.
9. My nickname amongst my teenage group of friends was "Happy" which was terribly ironic because I was absolutely painfully miserable ALL the time, but that never stopped me from enjoying life and so I seemed to be from everyone else's perspective the happy one... my best friend was "Grumpy", btw.
10. I have the greatest admiration for folks who manage to express themselves succinctly.
Friday, November 30, 2007
Children think very differently...
My daughter was helping me in the kitchen by stirring up a salad I had made when she asked, "What are all these black specks in here?"
"What black specks?"
"I don't know, but there are lots of them all over."
"I have no idea, that's odd, what do they look like?"
"They look exactly like raisins."
"Oh, you mean the raisins?!!??"
Reminded me of the time my cousin asked his mom, about the dog riding in the truck bed ahead of them on the road, "Why is that old lady dressed up like a dog?" Good question!
"What black specks?"
"I don't know, but there are lots of them all over."
"I have no idea, that's odd, what do they look like?"
"They look exactly like raisins."
"Oh, you mean the raisins?!!??"
Reminded me of the time my cousin asked his mom, about the dog riding in the truck bed ahead of them on the road, "Why is that old lady dressed up like a dog?" Good question!
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Napster
When I was 7 or 8 (1979/80) I had this very vivid dream that really stuck with me. It took place in the future. I was reading to my grandkids when something reminded me of this song I loved from my youth. I started to sing the song for my grandkids but I couldn't quite get the tune right. After humming for a bit and just not getting it I remembered that I still had the record so I went to my closet and from a high shelf I brought down some of my old records and then found the one with the song I was trying to remember. I was so excited about sharing this with my grandchildren and so glad I had kept these records all these years. I got out my old record player and put the record on, but I couldn't get it to play. I was so upset because in my dream records and record players were no longer made so I knew I would never be able to hear that song again. I woke up feeling so sad!
Years later I was at the dentist's office browsing the magazines and that's when I first read about DATs and CDs and I remembered back to that dream and thought, oh no!, it's really going to come true! Sure enough my *children* have never seen a record player. I'm kicking myself though that I actually let go of my record collection which mostly consisted of very odd hard to find singles since I figured even if something like this did ever come out it surely wouldn't be so cheap, haha on me!
At any rate, my only consolation was when this crazy thing called Napster came about. It was my dream come true... actually way, way better than anything I could ever have dreamed up! A library of music... I got to hear things that had long been out of print and thought would never be heard again, in addition to finally being able to justify purchasing music again -plus the community was amazing. Any time, day or night, I could always count on my napster buddies to know just what song I was trying to think of and find it so I could hear it again (and I was able to find out about music I would enjoy beyond what is played on the radio). It gave me such consolation and such peace of mind to know that my nightmare couldn't possibly come true, that no song would ever, ever be lost -I just couldn't conceive what would eventually happen or that it would all be brought down by a supposed *musician* -how insane is that? Of course there were others that popped up, but none of them compared, and with the addition of software and video files it really became something else entirely... and not a very pretty something else.
I'm going to keep dreaming though, that something like this will come up again.... maybe something like the guttenberg project only for music? In the mean time, although certainly not the same, I'm loving my subscription to yahoo music
Years later I was at the dentist's office browsing the magazines and that's when I first read about DATs and CDs and I remembered back to that dream and thought, oh no!, it's really going to come true! Sure enough my *children* have never seen a record player. I'm kicking myself though that I actually let go of my record collection which mostly consisted of very odd hard to find singles since I figured even if something like this did ever come out it surely wouldn't be so cheap, haha on me!
At any rate, my only consolation was when this crazy thing called Napster came about. It was my dream come true... actually way, way better than anything I could ever have dreamed up! A library of music... I got to hear things that had long been out of print and thought would never be heard again, in addition to finally being able to justify purchasing music again -plus the community was amazing. Any time, day or night, I could always count on my napster buddies to know just what song I was trying to think of and find it so I could hear it again (and I was able to find out about music I would enjoy beyond what is played on the radio). It gave me such consolation and such peace of mind to know that my nightmare couldn't possibly come true, that no song would ever, ever be lost -I just couldn't conceive what would eventually happen or that it would all be brought down by a supposed *musician* -how insane is that? Of course there were others that popped up, but none of them compared, and with the addition of software and video files it really became something else entirely... and not a very pretty something else.
I'm going to keep dreaming though, that something like this will come up again.... maybe something like the guttenberg project only for music? In the mean time, although certainly not the same, I'm loving my subscription to yahoo music
Monday, November 26, 2007
The Alphabet according to my 3yo
A is for going left
B is for whacking robot
C is for putting prince's sword away
D means go right
E is for 'eeing' monsters
G is for sprinkle
H is for playdoh "because I like it that way"
I is for Jason
J is for Me
K is for Nana
L is for nothing
M is for the robot dad talk
N is for I don't know what's for
O -see N
P is for going in the toilet
Q is for looking everywhere
R -see L
W is for (otherwise known as upside up W) going up
X is for shooting
Z is for going 'axio!'
and after this list my 3er wants to add:
5 means going down
Shift is for slowing down
Alt is for rolling
I guess you could say he's definitely a product of the computer game world... he also likes to run around the house waving his sword shouting, "Microsoft word!"... not sure how *that* came about.
B is for whacking robot
C is for putting prince's sword away
D means go right
E is for 'eeing' monsters
G is for sprinkle
H is for playdoh "because I like it that way"
I is for Jason
J is for Me
K is for Nana
L is for nothing
M is for the robot dad talk
N is for I don't know what's for
O -see N
P is for going in the toilet
Q is for looking everywhere
R -see L
W is for (otherwise known as upside up W) going up
X is for shooting
Z is for going 'axio!'
and after this list my 3er wants to add:
5 means going down
Shift is for slowing down
Alt is for rolling
I guess you could say he's definitely a product of the computer game world... he also likes to run around the house waving his sword shouting, "Microsoft word!"... not sure how *that* came about.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Like Mother, Like Daughter
so the other day I over heard my daughters talking:
"Don't you hate when mom does that?"
"What?"
"How when you try to ask her something and you get one word or say one thing wrong she acts like she has absolutely no idea what you are talking about?"
Flashback to twenty years ago and you'd be hearing me telling someone (no siblings to commiserate with for me) about how my mother reminded me of Zork because if you didn't phrase things just right you wouldn't get the answer you needed.
"Don't you hate when mom does that?"
"What?"
"How when you try to ask her something and you get one word or say one thing wrong she acts like she has absolutely no idea what you are talking about?"
Flashback to twenty years ago and you'd be hearing me telling someone (no siblings to commiserate with for me) about how my mother reminded me of Zork because if you didn't phrase things just right you wouldn't get the answer you needed.
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